Ham-Fisted + Pea-Brained
What is it about we English and our food-based insults?
‘Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side.’
Shakespearean characters, like Court Jester Touchstone in As You Like It, excel in the art of food-based insult. ‘His brain,’ Jaques declares in Act 2 ’is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.’
‘There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune,’ says Falstaff from Henry IV, Part 1. ‘Fat as butter,’ is how a Carrier later describes a well known man.
We, the vengeful English-speaking, have continued to look for food-based insults to wound our targets.
A sad attempt at deception.
Charming, but unhinged.
Thick, plodding. Big muscles with subcutaneous fat.
Wide plastic smile, jazz hands, bad jokes.
Insignificant, hardly worth mentioning. Who?
Suspicious, the facts don’t add up. Smells like a lie.
Inelegant, imprecise. Surgical career not advised.
A dud, worst of the lot, no point trying to fix it.
Grey matter, lightly minced.
Squeezing every last drop of attention out of some minor ailment or achievement.
Histrionic, erratic, unstable.
Grey matter undetectable.
A thimbleful of coins disguised as a salary.
Eats a lot of bad food.
Flashy clothes, loose morals.
You’re done, you’re cooked. Pack it in.
Header: Still Life with Cheese, Floris Claesz. van Dijck, c. 1615
Image 2: Still Life with Lemon and Cut Glass, Maria Margaretha van Os, 1823 – 1826